Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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