Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
