The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
