i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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