That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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