if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
