Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
