It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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