He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
