yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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