needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
