seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
my liver is dry heaving
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
