The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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