why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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