You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
