I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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