sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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