I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
