and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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