I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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