My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
