I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
