Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
foreskin is a definite game changer
I want to be your penis for a week.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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