Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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