Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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