I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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