Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
