Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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