We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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