Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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