Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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