When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
