I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
