apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
