I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
