you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
