3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
