Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
BRING THE BAGELS
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
