I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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