: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
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