My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
