period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
