Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
