You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
how drunk are you?
Several
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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