all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
