i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
