Can i not drive my cunt home
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
How external is "for external use only"?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
