Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
