i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
