It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
